Grandmother Beth's Journal Writings
Journal Entry - Sept. l997
Haven't written journal pages in a very long time. Why? I don't really know. Last night I awakened in the early morning hours. My thoughts traveled - changing directions - lifting the stored memories from the honeycomb of yesterday. Unrest, and a sense of loss of direction have plagued me for a long while. Question … why do I lay aside the pen & the music and allow myself to drift for such incredible mundane stretches of "just being?"
"I will write again … open up again … place the words on a page again." I silently promised myself … all the while questioning the thought, "What, but a supreme ego - causes a person to feel compelled to write what in their mind and heart?" "In reality … who really cares to read the thoughts of others?" I alone seem to be fascinated with the discovery and perusal of the writings of those that I love.
I counsel myself as I now type, "Write now ... because you have that burning need to write." Then, when you have flown to the arms of God … any of the others, that you love so much, who want to read their mother's writings, will have the opportunity to chose to do so." So … I begin …
Yes, I chose this soft aqua background to lift my spirit.
I have been wandering through a "changing" time. Somehow adjusting all along - trying to learn … to understand. Pondering and searching memories, incidents & happenings of the years of my life. We think we are "in touch" & comprehend most of what is going on in our lives when we are younger. But, to my personal amazement - as these years of my sixties began to unfold … I am amazed. In viewing all the woven patterns of my years with close, unbiased & brash honesty - I am making sad and fearful discoveries. Much of that which I took for granted was the way I perceived it to be - had different "truths" and interpretations. Yes, no matter how sincere I might have been - or, how tenaciously I attempted to be honest and aware … I missed much. A shaky sensation creeps through me as I still myself - and carefully recall and reconstruct a given memory of a specific experience. It's frightening to admit to myself that I was often peering through a narrow scope. Yes, a narrow scope is easier. Widening the lens … forces an uncomfortable view with different perspective.
Thankfully … I'm not besieged with guilt. No … I know in my heart of heart that I have truly tried to face life with honesty - and have sincerely made effort to look at life's situations from the viewpoint of each person involved. So it's not guilt that cramps my heart and catches my breath when a lightning flash illuminates a shadowed crevice of memory. No … sorrow clutches me … along with a prayer of hope that I will not end my years being forced to relinquish so much of the "truth" of my past that I have nothing left - and the bedrock and touchstones of my life are destroyed.
Prayer lifts me. The certainty of the scriptures & my belief that God looks at me with mercy, compassion and love beyond my comprehension.
Mother Teresa died today. Princess Diana's funeral is tomorrow.
Heaven is but one breath away. I pray God will keep me always aware of eternity and the sweetness of that one step upward into the presence of God. Jesus waits for me. Thank you my Savior for forgiving my sins. I commit my soul into Thy love and plead the cover of Your Blood shed at Calvary for my salvation.